she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
