There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Houston, we have a squirter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
