I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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