Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
