We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
