I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so let's talk penis.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
