Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I enjoy the company of your penis
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
