Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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