Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My ATM looks so different sober.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
