somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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