YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
