I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
