Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
