I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
