I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
