you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Vodka?
Forever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
