my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
