I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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