i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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