take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
