actually, I'm a sock model
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
