hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
