I hate all girls vehemently.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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