Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Boobs speak an international language.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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