he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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