I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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