sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
