I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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