I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
