She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
