I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
