I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
