so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
