I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
