If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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