My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
