just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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