Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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