I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
