Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
