I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
