mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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