There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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