Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
