i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
