I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
