i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
