Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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