I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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