I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Ketchup is God's man juice
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
