I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
